I am not ready…

I am not ready to face anything, neither am i ready to have changes in life again. I fear, I fear losing you. I don’t know how do you feel about us now, but definitely not the same as last time anymore…

I been lying to myself about how I honestly feel. I felt terrible on the inside, feeling damn sad everyday but have to fake smiles and laughter when i am in school. Everyday I think about the same question over and over again. ‘Am I ready to meet you and make changes in my life?’ . I asked you the same thing over and over again, the answer you gave is always the same. You never seems to hesitate to answer my question and you always answer it firmly. There is no chance of turning back? For once, I am not the one that initiate about this topic. However, this time it was you…

Recently been having bad dreams, and it is always the same scene in my dreams. I couldn’t sleep well, neither I can eat well. I tried to focus on studies so that I won’t be thinking about it all the time. But it failed. I am trying so hard to maintain a light conversation with you, but it always lead us back to the same topic. I can’t imagine my days without you, without your ‘Good Morning, my love.’ & ‘Good Night, my sweetheart.’ I know you promised me that you’ll still continue to be like this if anything happened to our relationship. But, it is going to be really different.

Obviously I know I am not prepared nor ready to face anything, thus I keep running away from all the meet ups and whatever. At the same time, I also want to meet you.. But I couldn’t bring myself to meet you right now. From the start of this relationship, I make things clear with you that I am afraid and very insecure. You always ensure me that we will make it all the way, however, now things changed… All along in our relationship, we always have small fight, cold war, argument. & all the time we will leave things hanging and go on with our relationship. Finally, we have reached our limit and it is time to really solve everything. Everyone is telling me to take things easy, but i simply can’t…

For the first time, I love someone wholeheartedly but right now, things is changing. I am scared, but I know it myself that delaying is not going to help. Looking back at those photos & texts, I cried. I cried almost every night, and what’s the point of holding on when the person you holding on to is no longer holding on to me.

Even though, I still put hopes on us everyday, so long if we don’t meet, there’s still chances for me to prove to you that you’re wrong about whatever you told me.. Sometimes you gave me hopes again but the very next moment, you crash them down. I really miss you so much, I miss how simple life was to us back when we were in secondary. I miss how we study together in school or outside school. I miss how you wait for me after my CCA and send me home. I miss how you travel to the west side just to see me. I miss movie date with you. I simply just miss those days with you. ):

I really miss you. If things changes, can we be back friends…. Like best friends?   ):

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